tBlog! - Beware the Famished (PLUS: Thoughts on the Long, Slow Death of a Wookiee)

Beware the Famished (PLUS: Thoughts on the Long, Slow Death of a Wookiee)

03.02.07 (3:11 pm) [edit]

Beware the Famished (PLUS: Thoughts on the Long, Slow Death of a Wookiee)

Listen, I wouldn't worry about Chewbacca. I know him, and he hasn't missed a Life Day yet, right? Luke Skywalker

Man, I was feeling like white lightning earlier today despite the dusty, whirling snow and this Friday afternoon that keeps limping like a lame dog toward the end. Then something happened, and my fortitude burst and fell dead. I felt a distance. Impassible. A fell reminder of things long past. Good times turned sour with the burdens of loss and reality. Even now, I fumble to find the words, idly cursing the bastard that created consciousness and nursing fantasies of an epochal vendetta that will be marked by a field thick with the bodies of slain angels.

I promised myself that I would start fresh here. Blogging is damnable, but there is no need to exacerbate its egregious stupidity by yielding once again to depressive compulsions. Things have changed and will change again one day. The only thing left to do is to hang on for dear life deftly handling the pitches and swells. The Beast won't buck me off any time soon. I'm going to pack that bastard's foramen magnum with TNT and suck the marrow from his bones once he's dead. Beware the Famished.

Shit. The words are failing me, or I should say, rather, that I am failing the words. Perhaps my viewing of the Star Wars Holiday Special really has affected my capacity for intelligent thought. I haven't seen anything so atrocious since an in-flight viewing of Hope Floats around the age of twelve. Sandra Bullock's performance ruined any early pubescent fantasies I'd harbored since seeing Love Potion No. 9 on UPN one lonely Sunday afternoon when I thought to myself, "Tate Donovan's one ugly fucker. If he can get Pussy, then so can I. Hers." It wasn't the first time I was wrong about women, and it won't be the last suffice to say that I think I'm more confused now than I was during those precariously awkward days of uncontrollable erections and sprouting hair.

I digress.

In fact, I wish to speak no more of the cinematic abortion I witnessed last night despite being a glutton for pain. My threshold is very specific in that regard, limited to biting, pinching, clawing, and occasionally, burning. Brain Rape is a bitch, though. My friend once threatened to stick his dick through the back of my skull, and though he refrained, I came to know that pain last night.

I really hope I'm not pregnant.

posted by: unmutual (reply)
post date: 03.02.07 (2:50 pm)

It's laughable how much Mr. Lucas wishes to forget his christmas special. I mean, they didn't even use subtitles for chewie's family. Every true star wars fan has that love hate relationship with that production. Couple that special with Transformers the movie and you have one disillusioned generation of children.

posted by: evilmammoth (reply)
post date: 03.04.07 (10:54 am)

Reply to: unmutual

I know what you mean. I watched the Transformers Movie again having loved it as a child for the simple fact that I could watch giant robots fighting each other. Aside from Eric Idle's appearance in the movie, it was difficult to watch the entire thing. Perhaps it is shit like this that spells disaster for my generation, as you've implied.

posted by: unmutual (reply)
post date: 03.04.07 (5:48 pm)

Reply to: evilmammoth

I wasn't too savvy about Idle as a kid. It was all about bad ass Leonard Nimoy, a near death Orson Welles and Robert "Unsolved Mysteries" Stack. I'm not even going to mention the Weird Al Yankovic song. Then they kill off 90% of the original characters, including Optimus Prime, who in reality was John Wayne in disguise. Hah. Cue in the bad 80s music and what looked to be female robot, and I was done. Back to therapy I went.

posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 03.05.07 (7:11 am)

Reply to: unmutual

Good grief, but you are one consumate geek, dear Unmutual.

EvilMammoth: I sat down to the Star Wars Holiday Special not too long ago and I tried. I tried and tried and tried to watch it. I wanted to. I really did. But alas, I failed. I failed miserably. That was by far the most ridiculous and.. no, words do indeed fail describing it. There is nothing I can say that will properly convey the awefulness that is the Star Wars Holiday Special. In fact, I think it was so bad that it's a must-have. I cringe at the idea of it being a must-see, but certainly attempting it should be on everyone's to-do list.

Not available in stores (thankfully), so.. anyone reading this comment.. download it at a torrent site near you. 'ur oh'